On Saturday night, a friend of mine called me to talk.
“I went out with Hal tonight,” she said. She sounded mostly normal -- maybe a little slurry, in a two-fast-beers kind of way. “Before Charlotte’s birthday party.”
“Oh, yeah?” I said. I didn’t know Hal very well, but he was charming and decently attractive, and my friend was just seeing him casually.
“I went home with him,” she said. I heard her exhale, long and low.
“And?” I said. I’ve known this friend for a long time; I know what her breath sounds like when she’s shaken.
Long story short: My friend was uninterested in having penetrative sex and told Hal so. He agreed, and he somehow still ended up inside her before she shoved him off and left.
“I don’t know why when you say ‘No,’ guys hear ‘Try harder,’” my friend sighed.
“Yeah,” I said. “Me neither.”
We said our goodbyes and hung up. I stared at the wall.
I was angry, I realized -- angry that this fucking scumbag of a man had ignored my friend’s explicit wishes and had pushed her and pushed her until he’d gotten what he wanted. I bet he was sleeping fine. He’d gotten her consent, after all.
Why this is a bad story to lead off on a rant about coercive sex. Unless she was being held against her will, being threatened and then assaulted with more to the story not being told, this sounds like a guy who just begged and begged and the girl just said okay.
if there is more, then say so. I was raised by strong women around me who being Caribbean if guys tried this whining, they would not have given in and probably slap the guy.
Yes, my Twitter acquaintance was right. Lots of women do refuse, and refuse, and finally relent to whatever sexual acts their partner was proposing. Some of them probably end up having a lot of fun.
But maybe some of these women, like my friends, like me, are so focused on making a good impression that they let their boundaries slip. Maybe persuasion like that makes our breath grow tight, makes us anxious and scared, makes it easier to say “Yes” or nothing at all. Makes it clear just how easy it is to be liked. I'm not talking about sex acts that make me nervous or that need thinking over. I'm talking about sex acts that my partner is trying to talk me into, in that moment and despite my clear hesitation.
So Coercive Sex is finding women that are easy to play and somehow this is even in the same universe as rape? Sorry, this is garbage. This makes it out that females are easily manipulated and lack so much self esteem some idiot begging them for sex will more than not have success.
This is excuse making for people who don't seem to have the common sense to realize that if you say no once and the guy keeps putting on obvious moves to have sex, your ability to curse him out and just walk away is blocked.
Again, maybe its because I grew up and was helped raised by strong women and never dating anyone who acts like this I am missing the point. Rape is one thing, nagging someone to have sex and they say okay is not equal or the same as rape. Its horrible the article and commentators even imply such a horrendous comparison.